A man and his toolbox

Mr. Handyman I am not. I can’t build a structure, don’t know how to wire a house, and I am not a plumber (nor do I want to—plumbing is the dentistry of construction). But I can fix minor things, and I can also paint and change light switches and install ceiling fans.

About that last one…

I have a rental unit. It’s not super fancy, but it’s relatively new, and our renters like it. They asked me recently if they “could get ceiling fans installed in the two bedrooms”, which after I agreed to, I realized meant I would need to install them.

I wasn’t thrilled but not worried. Years ago, I owned a house where I installed six ceiling fans. OK yes, as I type that sentence, I realize it sounds excessive. Maybe it was. But the point is I’ve done it before, with few difficulties.

After buying two ceiling fans, I drove to the rental Saturday morning, figuring it would take a couple of hours. Maybe a little over an hour for the first fan, but the second would go quicker because I’d get a feel for how the manufacturer planned out their screws, wires, brace, etc.

Standing on my renter’s bed, I removed the ceiling light. It took a little effort to remove the screw that held the light fixture in place…the one screw. Not two. Which was a problem, as I couldn’t just rely on one screw to hold the weight of the ceiling fan. Grumbling that the builder had been too cheap to splurge for a second damn screw, I drove home, grabbed my entire tool box, made sure I had the right screws, and returned to the rental.

I climbed on the bed, screwed one of my new screws into the mounting bracket—and the screw stopped turning. It was too long. The junction box (or ceiling junction or light-fixture-thingamabob, whatever the hell the thing’s called) was too short. It was only an inch or so in depth (height?). So now I had to go to the hardware store.

Forty minutes later, I was back with screws of three different lengths as well as washers to give the mounting bracket additional support. The first screw I selected worked: not only was it the perfect length, it went right in. I was in business! I then screwed in the second one and proceeded to assemble the various fan components—fan motor, light-fixture, fan blades. After that, I hooked up the completed fan to the wires in the ceiling, carefully following the instructions.

Side note: yes I switched off the breakers. As I mentioned, I’ve done this many times before. It’s a hassle, but I had this.

I thought I did.

With the ceiling fan assembled, I jumped off the bed, went down to the garage, switched the breaker, returned to the bedroom, flipped the switch, and the light went on. Success! I pulled the chain to turn on the fan…

And nothing.

Keep in mind that my rental is a townhome, which means traversing two flights of stairs every time I have to flip the circuit breaker—but that’s better than being electrocuted.

I checked the fan’s installation manual, went down, turned off the breaker, climbed back up, undid the cover, checked the wiring and made sure everything was wired correctly, then went back down two flights to turn on the breaker, climbed back up, and hit the switch.

All I got was a low hum that lasted for about a second and a half, then nothing. No refreshing breeze, no elation of a job well done.

I spent the next god-knows how long going back and forth to the garage and back to the second-story bedroom, fiddling with wires, reconnecting the connections, yanking on the fan’s chain, and cursing out the manufacturer. Nothing changed,

For my afternoon’s efforts, apparently all I did was replace the original light fixture for a larger one accented with decorative, non-moving fan blades.

My renter came home from running errands to find me frustrated and dejected. I had three choices: I could keep fiddling with the fan; I could take down the entire thing, disassemble it, return it to Home Depot for another one (as I suspected the fan might be defective) and install the new one; or I could punt.

I would like to say I spent the rest of the day fixing this vexing problem, possibly toiling well into the night so my renter could enjoy a soft, cooling breeze as she slept. Instead, I looked up the name of a handyman, gave her the number, and told her I’d pay his bill.

I’m not proud. I like to think I’m the type of person who finishes any job he starts. I mean, I did in a way. The fan is installed, the light works, and I cleaned up my mess. And it would’ve been a job well done if my renter never wanted to use the actual, you know, fan.

But yeah, I failed.

So now I’m crossing off “installing a ceiling fan” from my mental list of jobs I can perform. Maybe the fan is defective, and I didn’t do anything wrong. But I am going to pretend this day didn’t happen and drown my sorrows with some Angels Envy.

I hope your day was much better, and more productive, than mine.

As always, please comment below. (Go ahead with the derision and snide comments. I deserve them.) Until next time!